About The Book

Farmer Tice received a 100% positive KIRKUS BOOK REVIEW in August 2017. “All told, (Farmer) Tice is a dimmer Wile E. Coyote if thee ever was one, falling off cliff after cliff only to appear again for more torment. The fun of the book comes in seeing how high the next cliff will be and when exactly old Tice will stop falling. Albeit those falls are not for the squeamish. Regardless of one’s station in life, one can learn a lot from a farmer who won’t let his consistently poor luck keep him down. While unapologetically gross, the book is ultimately motivational in its own peculiar way.”

The sole purpose of this Farmer Tice book is for laughs. If a book is funny, it will be read again and again. There are no other objectives. You won’t find anything PC in this book. The stories evolved out of a slightly warped sense of subtle, sophisticated humor that’s akin to genre of Mad Magazine, National Lampoon, and The Simpsons . There are no hidden agendas nor lessons to be learned. It is just a fun book to read.

Farmer Tice was born on Friday the 13th. The year is uncertain, because nobody bothered to write it down.

Farmer Tice lives with his wife, Agnes , on a rickety old farm in a town called Hokum. If all farmers were like Farmer Tice, everybody would starve. His wife isn’t any better. How the two of them ever got married is explained in one of the chapters. Hint: they both were looking for matrimony at the bottom of the barrel at the same time.

Farmer Tice’s first name is Jacob, but everybody calls him Jinx, a nickname coined by Mother Tice who claimed he was a bad-luck baby.

Farmer Tice’s nephew is named Wessell, but everybody calls him “The Weasel”. It’s the perfect name for a scheming, tricky teenager like him.

Farmer Tune is a neighbor who is always taking advantage of Farmer Tice however he can.

Bum Park is way out on the east side of Hokum and is one of Farmer Tice’s favorite hangouts. The park was actually named after one of Hokum’s most distinguished founders, Horatio Alger Bum II, but that was a long time ago. In recent years it became a sort of sanctuary not only for the homeless, but for lazy farmers seeking sanctuary from their daily chores. Farmer Tice is there so much, some people think Bum Park was named after a bum like him.

Who exactly is Farmer Tice? Well, that’s hard to say. Some say he’s a mixture of Snuffy Smith and W.C. Fields. Others think he’s more akin to Homer Simpsonand Rodney Dangerfield. Personally speaking, I don’t think Farmer Tice is like anyone you are likely to find in any comic strip. He is a mold-breaking entity of his own.

So, enjoy these stories, and remember the whole point is to make you laugh. The stories are short and sweet and brings us into a world of locals and yokels unlike anybody you’ll ever meet.

Thanks for reading.

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Nelson Donley

About the Author

Nelson Donley is the author of four books. His first book, Life Ain’t Kind, was his first project right after he retired from teaching. His most recent books, FARMER TICE (Books 1 & 2), are about the misadventures of a hapless farmer and his belligerent wife, Honeybunch. He wrote these books with Bart & Lisa Simpson in mind. His purpose for writing them was to create something legitimately funny that would make middle school age kids want to read.Mr. Donley’s second book is a 300+ page book he wrote under a penname about teaching. This book critiques the public education system over the past 100 years, and how it has changed, partly for better, but mostly for the worst. He includes individual cases and personal anecdotes that are, both, uplifting and horrific.After reading LIFE AIN’T KIND, one might logically conclude that the author is either a pianist or violinist, or both. But he is not. In fact, the author has never taken a single class in music and considers himself to be nothing more than a mere dilettante.Nelson Donley lives in Whittier, California with his Kenyan wife, Felister, and their adorable son, “Baby Harmon”, who is already a professional model. The name Harmon was chosen in honor of Mr. Donley’s late father, Richard Harmon Donley, who passed away in 2005, just two days short of his 97th birthday. The secret of his long life? He smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day up until 1955, never exercised, worked around toxic chemicals, and ate lots of beef and pork.Mr. Donley always wanted to write the great American novel and finally took the initiative after retiring from teaching at the age of 55. He is now 58 and currently working on his 2nd project, a new novel based on Phil, one of the characters in Life Ain’t Kind.Mr. Donley’s childhood can be divided into two nearly equal parts and, to paraphrase Dickens, “They were the best of times, they were the worst of times.” An alcoholic stepfather made the latter part of Mr. Donley’s childhood seem like a scene out of the Hobbesian state of nature: solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. From the age of ten until he finished high school, he lived in different parts of Southern and Central California. His mother was always trying to get away, but the his stepfather always talked his way back, promising that things would get better, but things only got worse.The best time of his life took place on the BD&L – his grandfather’s pony farm. He taught himself so much about equine medicine that he considered making a career out of it, but changed his mind when his veterinarian asked him, “Are you good in math?” But he loved horses so much that he eventually started his own business with American Quarter Horses. In high school, Mr. Donley majored in agriculture and used his AQHA horse business as his Future Farmers of America project. He attended four high schools in all and graduated from La Habra High School at the end of his junior year in 1973. His reason for graduating early? “I can’t stand being in a classroom.”For the next two years, Mr. Donley kept busy working at odd jobs, such as a seat maker in a factory and training horses on the side. The horse business became such a liability that he was forced to sell off most of his stock. His sorrel mare, Autobiography, was racing at Rillito in Arizona, but got stolen. After doing a bit of investigative work, he found her at a stable near Prescott Downs. A stable boy told him, “The sheriff owns that horse!” but Mr. Donley was determined to get his horse back. When the sheriff told him to get out of town by sundown, Mr. Donley called the Federal Brand Inspector who verified that the horse belonged to him. When the sheriff couldn’t produce a bill of sale, Mr. Donley snootily said, “No ticky, no laundry” and took the horse back to California with him.His last horse was a chestnut colt named after the composer and violinist Paganini. Despite an impressive qualifying time in the 870 at Los Alamitos, good-ole Paganini couldn’t handle the stress at the starting gate and came in dead last. The sight of that horse bringing up the rear was an omen to get completely out of the horse business and start looking for a real job.Two things stood in the way of getting a job – a college degree and experience. His mother suggested that he become a farrier (that is, a horseshoer), but he wanted to get away from horses, not go back to them. Besides, he had no desire to take on a career in which he actually had to “work” for a living. That left only one alternative – the classroom.Mr. Donley entered college in 1975, majoring in Administration of Justice. At that time, he wanted to become a cop. His father convinced him that he wasn’t cut out for that kind of a job, so he changed his major to Political Systems of the Eastern Bloc and minored in Economics, Classical Novel, and Philosophy. He graduated from Whittier College in 1979 and began teaching as a substitute in grades K-12.Mr. Donley did his graduate studies at CSU in Long Beach, California. After acquiring a Regular Ed. teaching credential, he went on to earn a Special Ed. Teaching credential and MS degree. He decided not to pursue a doctorate because that would have taken too much time away from what he wanted to do most – write the great American novel for a modern audience.


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